I Just Need To Complain And Feel Sorry For Myself For a Minute...

So the last 2 months have been stressfull! I know that a lot of people have more to stress over than I do, but honestly the last 3 years have been easy! I only had to worry about being a wife. We had 2 good incomes, a house all to ourselves, some dogs - not much to stress about. So I feel like I need to vent a bit and then maybe I'll feel better. If you don't like whiney posts, then you really shouldn't read this because I'm going to be whining a lot.

Since having Sophia I will say that I'm happier than I've ever been, but I'm also more stressed than I've ever been! Not with the mothering part like I would have thought, but with everything that came with it. Like the bills. I had no idea that we would have over $4000 in medical bills! Our insurance totally screwed us over on that. Then trying to work out my time off of work. I had called a month before Sophia was born to get all of the information, and then when I called a week after she was born it was all suddenly wrong! and then after many calls and tears and a lot of frustration, I get a call from them saying that what I was told originally was right. Grrrr. Then because of everything that had been going on, on top of just recovering from having a baby, I had the added stress of not having any money for Christmas (which actually turned out okay in the end, but stressful up until the day almost) and not having time to do my Medical Transcripting class, which I was going to use three weeks before Sophia was born to get ahead in but ended up having Sophia 3 weeks early instead. (*Note: I'm actually very happy she came three weeks early)

So that was the first month - then in January I started to feel the stress of all of the lack of sleep and had to go in for my 6 week checkup, only to find out that a mole that was removed during my labor had some atypical cells and I would need to get a bigger chunk cut out to get rid of them. So just after recovering from birth, I had to get sliced up again. Also the stress from the medical bills hit full force this month, which I'll admit put a little bit of a damper on my birthday but Jon was great and made me feel special anyway. But we had to apply and then get denied for financial assistance for our bills, then we had to fight with the short-term disability people to see if I could continue to be paid past 6 weeks.

Now all of this was stressful, but none of it compared to me trying to make a decision to return to work or not. Now I have never wanted to work after having kids - call me selfish, but I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom. My mom was home with us and I loved it, and I feel like I had a better relationship with my mom than some of my friends did with their mom's who worked. This has been the goal from day 1. However, I knew that I probably would not be able to do this, which is why I started the Medical Transcripting class. Since that's not done though, I had to decide whether to stay at Convergys or not. I loved my job. I love training new people, I love it when my agents do well in class, and love it even more when they get out of my class and do great things. I love the people I worked with, and I loved most of the projects I trained on (UHG and DTV I loved, Bank of America I hated.) Then I heard that if I came back I would be training on the Bank. Yeah, that helped in my decision making, so Jon and I prayed about it and decided I should stay home. Now for the twists. Right after I told my boss that I would be quitting at the end of my maternity leave, he says that I might be able to train on the Census project and then be a team leader for the class I teach and be able to work AM and possibly even part time. Those were good, and what was better is I would be getting paid more because the government is issuing those paychecks. Sounded great, but Jon and I went to the temple and the answer was no. So I continue on, trying to get my class done and trying to keep up with all of my bills. Then the day before my last day at work, at about 5:00pm, the next twist. Now my boss is offering to let me train on DTV again, on a morning shift. So Jon and I could tag team with Sophia except for a few hours in the afternoon when our schedules overlapped, and we wouldn't have to worry about bills but we'd both be a little behind on schoolwork. Sounded good again, the only catches were the daycare and I would have to be able to commit to working there through August and then leave. Also, I had to make a decision by end of business the next day. So I went in the next day after having no idea what to do after thinking it through the whole night before, and talk to my boss. I'm thinking, okay I can work this out and then we won't be stressed about money anymore. But after talking to Jon and working it out with him (on the phone in the hallway while my boss waited for my answer, no pressure or anything) we both don't feel like that is the right decision, and I go back and tell him that it's definitely my last day.

At this point I'm pretty emotional because I'm still a little torn on my choice, and because I hate to say goodbye to my training family. And to make matters worse, I think that my boss had been hoping I would stay because he seemed less happy after I told him my choice and just told me to take my time to write my goodbye email, showed me where the boxes were to pack up my stuff, and left. Then he had to come back and said, "Well I might as well give you a hug", and that made it a little better, but my farewell from that place just felt cold. I didn't get to see anyone but my boss, and it seemed like he barely remembered to wish me good luck. I don't know, I guess I felt a little unappreciated, especially since everyone else who's ever left the company, or just moved to another project, got a whole goodbye party with cake and everything where everyone could come and say goodbye and wish them luck, while all I got was a hug from one person and my goodbye was an email written while I cried alone at my desk. I know I'm being selfish here, but I would have at least liked to see the other trainers before I left, if not some of the other people I worked with or trained. I mean, I was more sad about leaving Convergys and the training department than I was when I graduated High School (which I honestly wasn't sad about at all...) I've spent almost 5 years there...oh well.

The good thing in all of this though is Sophia. She makes all of the stress worth it - but at the same time I still wish there was less stress. :) At this point all I can do though is put my faith in the Lord that he will help us find a way to work everything out. We still have bills - lots and lots and lots of bills, and we're still going to struggle for a while, but I feel like this is what we were supposed to do, and that we made the right decision in having me quit work to be home with my daughter. I know that he'll help us find a way, but it's still a little scary for me not knowing exactly how or when that will work out. Anyway, I think I've complained for long enough - in fact I may even delete this post...I haven't decided yet. Anyway, if anyone's made it this far in reading (which I really kind of hope you didn't because it's a snoozy-sob-fest) then just know that I do feel much better after ranting it all out and that I really do know that we made the right decision in when we had Sophia and in my leaving work, and that he will help us in all of our hard times.