PMDD

You know how sometimes life is a little hard? Like when you're pregnant and everything is uncomfortable and tiring and sometimes painful? Well then you have the baby and you think "All is well in the world!" and you just love on that little snugly thing all day and night. Sometimes that's all there is to it. Simply you get to enjoy your new addition (maybe with a little less sleep, but still) and life goes on. Sometimes there are things that make it a little harder though. Sometimes the baby has colic and it kills you that you can't make them feel better, sometimes your baby is born small or sick and you spend days, weeks or months in the NICU just waiting for the day that you can take them home all while praying for the best, sometimes you get postpartum depression that makes it difficult (in some cases dang near impossible) to function normally, much less take care of a new baby.

While I've been lucky and haven't had to deal with any of those, (I've watched friends and family go through it and it is HARD!) I have recently found my own "post-baby" struggle, although it's not necessarily linked to postpartum ailments, I was just lucky I guess(?). About 3 months after having Blake, my body decided to start up the old machinery again. Lovely, right? Anyway, I noticed that I was experiencing a lot more anxiety, irritability, depression, anger, fatigue, headaches, difficulty concentrating, clumsy, jittery, extreme sensitivity, tension, severe cramping and overall had a feeling of coming undone at the seams. I actually thought I might be pregnant again for a minute there, but all was good. Although, since it was the same time we were packing up to leave Utah and head back home to Arizona, I dismissed it as "Packing/Traveling Stress". I'm pretty sure ever member of our family in Utah was happy to see me go, because I was one cranky, angry, crazy little cuss for the last week that we were there, and especially the last day. Even after we got home I was feeling like a crazy person, almost like when I have anxiety attacks, only different somehow. It's hard to explain, like trying to explain how sugar cookies and snicker doodles both smell sweet when they're baking, but smell different. Okay, weird analogy. Moving on.

Anyway, a few weeks later I started behaving terribly. I was just so extremely irritable over every little thing, and things that I should NOT have been irritable about. I would start yelling at Sophie for things that I should not have yelled at her for (like she would tell me the same story twice in a row or tug on my sleeve too many times, that kind of ridiculousness). Then I started crying all the time and feeling extremely depressed to the point that I wouldn't even talk to Jon about it. Of course I was also furious at Jon for some unknown reason (no, this is not a cover up, I would just see him and be mad and snap at him) so I didn't want to talk to him like I normally do. I got all of the other symptoms as well, so I guessed that I was getting ready to start my period again (ew, I said period) and would apologize to Jon saying that was the reason. 2 weeks went by like this. I was feeling positively murderous over silly things and just wanted to hide in a corner all the time. I was angry that Sophie would ask me for help, and while I never stopped making sure she was fed and bathed and taken care of, I just didn't feel like I was taking care of her at all. For some reason I was fine with Blake, but poor Sophie just got yelled at until I would give up and let her do whatever she wanted while I ignored her. That is not an easy thing to admit. And the worst part was that when I would yell or snap and Sophia or Jon, I would actually be thinking "I'm overreacting and I need to stop yelling and calm down" but I couldn't. No matter what I did I felt like I had absolutely no control over my reactions. It was horrible.

After that second time of going through it, I was sure that I had postpartum depression, and was trying to get the guts to call my doctor and ask for help. Between the yelling and the crying I figured that there was no other excuse, and while postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed about, I felt like I was failing somehow by admitting it (which is dumb.) Then an amazing thing happened - my period finally came and went, and I was happy again. No more crippling cramps, no more horrible headaches and extreme fatigue, and best of all, no more crazy mood swings. I was happy, functioning normally, able to think straight and act accordingly. In fact, for a couple of days I was actually in a state of euphoria, where everything was simply beautiful and wonderful to the point that I felt like my heart would burst from happiness.

Soon after this, I was talking to a new friend over lunch and saying how I had felt like I was losing my mind and didn't know what had been wrong with me. She explained that she had been going through the same thing and that she was diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). She explained her experience and it was very similar to mine, so I looked it up online, read about the symptoms, even took the little online quiz to see if you may have it (98% chance, it said). Since I already had an appointment with my OB I decided to talk to her about it at my next appointment. Lucky me, the symptoms started again the day of my appointment, so it was nice and fresh in my mind. She agreed that this sounded like PMDD and not something simply psychological and not postpartum depression. She talked to me for a while, made me feel like I wasn't a horrible person, and gave me a prescription. Unfortunately it took 2-3 weeks for the prescription to take full effect, so I just had to wait and try not to scream at everyone, try to stay happy despite what my body wanted to make my mind think, and try to cope with day to day until my 2 week "break" where I'm normal and functioning again.

Luckily, I survived that. It was rough, and there was a lot of tension in the house, but we all survived until my happy phase. Although, like a dark rain cloud that just won't go away, I was actually living in fear of the next bad phase. I knew that the medication would kick in by then, but just the thought that "maybe it won't work" gave me nightmares. I hated the person I became during those 2 weeks. The massive depression would just hold on to me and I couldn't shake it. Luckily for me though, when the bad phase came, I was still happy. I could tell exactly the day it started, like before, but it didn't control me. It was as if the cloud had stopped right over my head, blocking out the sun a little, but it didn't rain and I could see that the sun was still shining in other places. During that phase I had about 3 or 4 bad days, so at my 6 week follow-up we upped my medication to the next dosage amount.

The next few weeks I didn't live in fear as I had before, which was fantastic! In fact one day, after we had some family visit over the weekend, I was thinking about how close Christmas was and realized that normally I would have started the bad phase at this point - but I hadn't felt any different at all! I was so happy I went and told Jon and just thanked the Lord that my medication was working so I could feel like a good wife and mother again. A couple of days later, however, I had a bad day. It didn't start out bad, necessarily, but it quickly progressed to the point that I had to call a friend of mine to take the kids for a bit because I was just feeling like I couldn't get anything accomplished and I was just so SAD and angry! By the time I was done shopping at 2 stores and had called my mom to complain about how the medication wasn't working and what if it never worked again, etc, I had finally calmed down and was able to go get my kids and, even though I was still feeling severely depressed, I was able to snuggle them and was happy to see them.

I didn't sleep well that night - I was so worried that I would have another bad day and I just felt so horrible about yelling at my kids so much over things that don't deserve yelling. However when I woke up the next day I felt fine. In fact, as I went throughout the day, I found myself whistling, happy, energized, smiling, laughing - all normal things. I didn't feel depressed, and when I would think about the things that had upset me the day before I thought "Why on earth did that bother me?" In fact I believe I went the entire day without yelling once, even though Sophia was actually being a little naughty this time! She peed on the floor - I just had a talk with her and we cleaned it up. No lecture, no throwing towels angrily into the hamper, no silent treatment for her while I tried to simmer down. Just a calm talk and a clean up. It was wonderful. I felt like myself, and I regained my faith in the knowledge that for 1) my medication IS working and I have to trust that it will continue to work, even if I have a bad day and 2) that Heavenly Father is looking out for me. He knows just when to have people near me to help me out, he knows just how to comfort me, and he knows how to help me get through my little "episodes". Today was my happy day - and I trust that during the next week and a half or so, most of those days will continue to be happy ones as well. I know my family loves me, I know I love them, I know that I'm not failing as a mother. PMDD is not fun. It's also hard not having people to really talk to about it. It's not as bad as full blown depression or post partum depression, because I have a "break" where I can be happy, so I feel like complaining to someone with one of those symptoms will just make me seem insensitive. And it's hard to talk to people who don't have any depression, because I always feel like they just think I'm blowing it out of proportion or week or...whatever. I don't think they can really know. So I'm stuck in this middle ground where I just turn to my husband, prayer, my journal, and my blog to whine and complain and get everything out there so I don't feel like I'm holding it all in.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Now I get to go to sleep and (hopefully!) have another happy day with my family tomorrow. :)

Blake at 5 Months Old

5 months old and he's the size of a tank. Okay, maybe not a tank, but the size of a 1 year old at least. Here are his measurements (I took them myself, so if he's suddenly shorter at his 6 month then that's why):

Height: 27 inches
Weight: 18.8 lbs

Holy Hannah! This kid is 5 MONTHS OLD and he's almost 20 lbs already??? He is 2 inches and 4 lbs away from officially being to big for his infant car seat. Since he gained 2 lbs and grew 1 1/2 inches in one month - I'm thinking that we'll have to move him out of this pretty fast. Gosh this is such a change from Sophie! At 5 months old Sophie was around 14lbs and 25 inches. So yeah, in baby terms, that's a big difference. Even at 7 months she wasn't this big! By 8 months, she was this size! It's just crazy the differences in these two!

Here are his pictures that I took. I really need to charge my camera battery so I can get some better pictures of him than the ones I can take with my iPod, but oh well. A picture is a picture, even if it is all grainy and fuzzy, right? :-\

He's just so big!!! And he looks more and more like Jon every day, which I absolutely love! His eyes are still blue - hard to say if they are going to change or not, they're really dark blue, so we'll see. He can roll front to back and back to front. He loves to play with toys and just grab stuff. He likes to chew on his fingers - a lot - which makes me think that teeth are just around the corner. He also likes to pull his hair, but he still gets cradle cap pretty bad so maybe that's why. He LOVES watching Sophie in whatever she is doing - he just watches and smiles at her all the time! He is still very snuggly but rarely falls asleep if he knows you're rocking him to sleep. Doesn't take a binky very often anymore, just when he's really upset. He likes you to hold his hands and help him stand up or even walk around. Loves to spit - I think that's his favorite thing to do is just spit over and over again while making cute noises. He has tried the baby cereal, but every time we've fed it to him he got really gassy for the next couple of days, so we haven't officially started him yet. Still eats about 6 oz per feeding every 3 hours until about 7:30 or 8 and then he's down for the night until 5 or 6, and even then he'll usually go right back to sleep for a couple of hours. Then he takes 2-3 naps throughout the day. He is just such a sweet happy baby and is so easy to take care of, it definitely makes it easier to have 2 kids when he's like this! :)

Anyway, that's my little guy! My next post will have to be all about Sophie - I feel like I haven't talked about her as much on here, but she is just turning into the funniest little girl I've met! Just you wait! ;)

Oh, and in other news, I'm blonde again. :) The dark brown/black hair was fun, but it's over. Luckily I have made a fantastic friend down here who not only tackled the beast which is my hair, but was able to get me blonde again in only one sitting! There's still a little bit of reddish/orange in my hair, but it just make me look strawberry blonde. It's fun, I love it, and I'm happy to be back to my "roots". (Ha ha, hair pun) :)

Until next time, fellow stalkers!

Blake is 4 Months old now!!!

My baby is getting older! (Funny how that happens, huh?) He turned 4 months on Saturday, and on Monday we took him in for his well check. I knew he was big - MUCH bigger than Sophie - but I was still a little shocked by his numbers! Here they are:

• Weight: 16.5 lbs, in the 75%
• Height: 25 1/2 inches, in the 70%
• Head: 16 1/2 inches, in the 35%

Yep. Big, tall, and has a tiny head. :) Just for a comparison, here are Sophie's numbers at that age:

• Weight: 13lbs 11 oz - 50%
• Height: 24.7 inches - 60%
• Head: 15.7 inches - 15%

It may not seem like a huge difference, but when you're the size of a small yip-yap dog then it's pretty big. Here are Sophie and Blake at 4 months:

 

They are so similar, but you can tell some differences. Their noses are slightly different, hairlines are vastly different, lol, but overall you can tell that they're siblings! :) Anyway, to see more of Sophie between birth and 4 months, click here. 

And here is a quick update of Blake form birth until now!

1 day old

Just under 1 week old

3 weeks old

4 weeks old

6 weeks old

2 Months old

9 Weeks old

3 Months old

My little guy is sure growing up fast! As of right now he can roll tummy to back and can almost roll all the way over back to tummy, but he doesn't know how to get his arm out of the way. He is grasping everything he can, he plays with his carseat toy and the floor mat with the hanging toys over him really well, he's eating about 6 oz of formula every feeding, still sleeps all night (usually give him a bottle anywhere between 8 and 10 and then he's down for the night until about 7:30 or 8 the next morning - bliss!), loves to coo and giggle but still working on getting a big belly laugh out of him, is starting to want to go to sleep independently (no rocking to sleep anymore, sad day for me!) and is already weaning himself off of a binky! Anyway, that's our update now, be sure to leave a comment saying how cute he is! ;)

Back to the Grind

Don't you just love summer? The vacations, the freedom, the swimming, the sunshine, and best of all - no school for Jon! Okay so *technically* speaking, he was still in school, but it was rotations so it was really like more of a 9-5 job than school. So basically, since having Blake I have had my husband here to help me. And since we were in Utah all summer, if Jon wasn't around then there were family members everywhere to help me out too! I fear I became a bit of a lazy mother, but since I will never get to be a lazy mother again with these two kids, I figured it's alright.

This morning I had to send Jon back to school. It wasn't a big procession - I just hung his lunch on the doorknob to the garage and, since I was wrestling kids, we just called out "Bye! Love you, have a fun day!" and that was that. But now I'm realizing that it's kind of lonely here without him. I love hanging out with Sophie (especially when she makes me imaginary cupcakes every 5 minutes and watches while I eat said imaginary cupcakes, and then turns around and rubs milk into her hair - ah fun) and Blake is just as cute as ever, but we definitely feel it when Jon is away. Anyway, enough of the sappy stuff.

I still can't believe that Jon has already gone through over a year of school, and that there is LESS THAN 2 YEARS LEFT!!! Holy smokes! And it has just flown by! Seriously, I was looking at the curriculum for PharmD, and he has the fall, winter, spring, and summer quarters left of classroom study, then he has next fall, winter and spring for advanced rotations. AND THEN HE'S DONE!!! (Do you like my overuse of caps? I'm a little excited!) It's just so freaking close already! Then hopefully he can find a nice job here for a few years, we'll pay off a buttload of our student loans, and eventually return to my beautiful mountains in Utah. (Sigh) It's all so close now...so long as there's no more surprise pregnancies (love you, Blake) then I think we can definitely survive!

Morning

As I sit here perusing Facebook and Pinterest, and now writing in my blog, I take a deep breath and relish in the scene next to me. My darling daughter at the table, wearing her pearls, feet swinging back and forth happily as she sits at the table eating her cereal, not a care in the world except her cereal, her pink bowl and her pink spoon. My handsome son in his cradle swing, batting carelessly at the mobile above his head as the swing emits it's calming music to help lull babies to sleep. The sound of the washing machine as it washes the pee covered bath mat...

Oh, you noticed that the bath mat was pee covered, did you? Well, let's just say that the rest of the morning wasn't quite as peaceful as the scene that is here now. It all started when I was feeding Blake his bottle and Sophie was pestering me, so I told her to go up and watch a show on my TV until I was done feeding the baby. Bad choice. After I was done feeding the baby I thought "Hey, since Sophie is being good and watching a show and the baby is fed and happy, maybe I'll get some cleaning done!" After doing the dishes, organizing my bottles and sippie cups, rearranging my dish cabinet, and cleaning up the table and countertops I called up to Sophie to see if she was hungry yet since she still hadn't eaten breakfast yet. She came running to the stairs and descended in her typical princess fashion - pearls on, arms out dramatically, walking on her toes, chin held high - only this time she proclaimed proudly "Mommy, see my pink lips! Pretty princess!" Sure enough, she had put on my pink lip gloss. It's the one I usually let her wear when she's attacking my makeup bag, so that didn't bother me. What caught my eye was the charcoal gray and the blue eyeliner streaks on her face and the splotches of alabaster foundation on her white nightgown. (Yes, I am that pale...) At first I was thinking "Oh crap, I need to get upstairs now!", but then I decided that she was already down away from ground zero, so I might as well get her some food and then worry about it. What was done was done, right? Well then she went to climb on a chair and I see a little bare bum pointing at me! "Sophia," I ask, "Where is your Pull-Up?" to which she says "I need go pee potty!" and starts to run upstairs. That's when I saw the carnage. My makeup bag contents were spilled over the floor, with the mascara, foundation, cuticle oil, lip gloss opened, eyeliner lines are drawn on the floor, makeup brushes are on the floor, and my hair smoother goopy stuff is opened. Then, I see that she has also attacked the drawers, and her toothpaste as well as mine are opened, toothbrushes are not in their places anymore, and a few other things are strewn around the counter top. As if that weren't enough, I notice a large wet spot on the floor next to the bath mat. I'm thinking "Oh great, my cuticle oil leaked everywhere!" because it had been tipped on it's side near the puddle. So I say to Sophie "What is this?" and just as I'm dipping my fingers in it to see if it's the oil, she declares that she peed.
"Wait, what? This is pee?"
"Yeah! I peed da floor!"
"You peed on the floor?!"
"Yeah!"
"Soph...why...the toilet...you...ew!"
"I go pee potty, okay?" She runs into the potty closet and goes pee.

And that was what happened before this calm, serene moment that I'm enjoying now. (Sigh) Being a mom is fun, and even though that was a lot, she was so proud of herself for going pee on the potty that I couldn't stay mad. Love my kids, and love being a mom, and love my life. :)