I've Discovered My Problem!

I finally figured out what my problem is!!! And if you say, "Oh Mindy, you have no problems, you're perfect!" then you're lieing. :) My problem is that I'm competetive. I've competed all my life, whether obviously in sports and such, or privately in other areas. Then, instead of addressing the fact that this is messed up, I get angry at outside things that I blame for making me not win. I love winning. Ever since I was little and played softball and soccer, I loved winning. I love pushing myself to my bodie's limit to accomplish something. BUT, I only do that when there is someone else involved.

I remember in high school, 10th grade I think, I had gym and we were doing sprints and being timed on them. When I ran by myself I got a decent time, but couldn't beat it. No matter what I did, I would be stuck at that time. If I ran with someone slower than me, I would either do the same or in most cases a little worse. However, if I ran with someone just a little bit faster than me, I would beat my score by a full second or more! If they were too much faster than me then I would just give up, but a little bit really pushed me. I quickly found one girl who was always just ahead of me and would always run with her. Until the end of the semester when I beat her, then I didn't progress anymore.

I competed in so many things - band (I wanted to be 1st chair clarinet, which I was for a little while and then they redid the structure, which I didn't like and I lost a lot of motivation after that), piano (there was one girl just a little better who was always selected to play last at the recitals, and everyone knew the best went last), colorguard (duh, it was a competetive sport!), swimming (when I was on the swimteam, though everyone was a lot better than me so I kind of fizzled in that area), and even my fitness. I silently competed with one of my best friends at the time, who was/is tiny skinny and several inches shorter than me. I couldn't make myself shorter, of course, and I never really conciously competed against her, but looking back I'm realizing how much I wanted to be just as skinny, or skinnier, than her. It was because of her that I really commited to my colorguard workouts and crunches. Heck, back then we did 300-400 crunches as a warm-up, and I don't think I could count the amount of pushups we did throughout the day! She was better at running than me, so I ran more. Little things, mostly. It wasn't the healthiest way to do it, (as far as mentally, I never had an eating disorder or anything like that) but I got fit and more athletic because I wanted to be as good or better than her. Then I remember one day when we were taking measurements for our uniforms and my waist was half an inch smaller than hers. I remember being so happy about that! It really makes me sick now to think of how my mind worked back then. I mean, yes I was able to accomplish a lot and push myself this way, but it makes me sick that the only way I could do that was by "beating" other people.

This brings me to the present. I'm stuck in so many areas of my life because of the lack of competition. I don't play the clarinet anymore, I never really dance anymore, I don't play the piano as much as I used to, I don't work out, I don't swim really anymore, and I don't really pick up any new hobbies anymore. Heck, I'm even stuck at a plateau for my weight. Now, I've lost a LOT of weight since having Sophie - over 50 lbs, but it that was all from Sophie (you see why I'm terrified at the thought of another kid???) But I've been stuck at the 150-152 range since January. I think this is because I don't have anyone to compete with. This is a problem, because when you spend your life competing against people like I have, I've found that it can ruin relationships and make you bitter and depressed when you don't win or when you don't have anyone to compete against. I need to fix this, and become truly happy with myself in ALL aspects so that I can start to push myself. I feel like I've come a LONG LONG LONG way since High School, in that I'm happy with myself as far as looks go as well as so happy about my family, but I need to learn how to push myself so that I can get to my goal weight without competing with someone, and learn how to pick up things that I used to love, just for the pure love of doing it and not to win a trophy or perform in front of a huge audience or met with thunderous applaus because of my talents. I need to learn how to appreciate myself, my acheivements, and my skills all on my own. This is my new years resolution (I don't care that it's may - the ones in January never stick!) is to become a better person and to stop competing and comparing myself to other people.

Lastly, I want to apologize to anyone I have have hurt or offended over the course of, well, my life, by my constant competition. I know that I haven't been the best friend to those who I couldn't "beat", and that's really the part of this that kills me the most. I know how narcissistic I sound, and how shallow, callous, and down right terrible I sound, and I don't want to be like that. So here's to changing my life for the better and becoming a better wife, mother, and friend, and most of all a better Mindy.